Rant

I never feel as wonderful as you all make me sound.
When you guys tell me i'm beautiful and thin and such, i go home and stare in the mirror and i try to see the person you guys claim to see. i'm so vunerable and fragile right now it's stupid. I never want to feel this way again. I'm tired of wasting my time on assholes. maybe i'll just end up one of those girls that just never finds the right guy. while all my friends are off getting married and having kids i'll be the single women with 15 birds. All my life the one thing i've only ever really wanted was to belong to someone. Not in the sense of them bossing me around but they love me unconditionally. They can handle whatever i throw at them and laugh it off and calm me down. I just want to know that someone else will always be there for me. I want to grow old with someone, when my parents are long gone and i'm getting hip replacements and facelifts i want someone there that's been there with me through it all. I just want someone to call my own and i know that at the end of the day i can call them and say goodnight. We can go on pointless walks and end up having an unforgetable time. If only someone like this really existed. So far i haven't met anyone that falls under this category. I feel so stupid, angie is right i never fight for what i want. I never win, i tried so hard to fix things but i wasn't getting any reaction at all, so i let go. I'm still not over it. I've never felt so lost before, i feel like i lost part of myself. I put so much into it.. just to get rejected in the end. If i'm as uninteresting ugly and boring as i feel can somone just put me out of my misery. Maybe one day i'll find what it is i'm looking for. But for now i have to find a substitution. Photography maybe.. i don't know i'll find something.